How to Stop Reliving the Same Painful Stories

In this episode, we explore what negative patterns are and why the same painful scenes keep showing up in your life—just with different people and settings. You’ll learn how to recognize these patterns, understand the hidden “payoffs” that keep them alive, and begin replacing them with healthier, more empowering habits. This conversation is for anyone tired of constant conflict, people-pleasing, or choosing the wrong partners, and ready to create real change.

Key Topics Covered

• What negative patterns are and how they show up in everyday life

• Common examples:

  • Constant conflict with co-workers

  • People-pleasing and over-giving

  • Choosing unsuitable partners or lovers

• The real cost of negative patterns: frustration, struggle, and sometimes serious consequences

• Why awareness is the first step to change (“you can’t change what you’re not aware of”)

• How to “practice your presence” and notice your patterns without judgment

• Why only a small percentage of our thoughts and behaviors are conscious, and what that means for change

• The concept of unconscious “payoffs” and why we keep repeating harmful behaviors

• Examples of payoffs hidden inside conflict and self-sabotage

• Using your existing positive patterns as templates to rewire negative ones

• Seeing negative loops as signals that you’ve drifted away from your core values

Practical Takeaways

• Practice your presence:

  • Sit with your thoughts and simply notice recurring situations, feelings, and reactions.

  • Focus on facts and feelings, not on analyzing “why” just yet.

• Ask trusted people for feedback on your blind spots and recurring patterns.

• Explore your unconscious payoffs:

  • Ask, “What might I be getting from this behavior?”

  • Consider both what you’re gaining and what you might be avoiding.

• Identify positive patterns in your life (like discipline with exercise or work) and “graft” those strengths onto areas where you’re struggling.

• Treat negative pattern loops as red flags that you may be dismissing your core values, and use them as prompts to realign.

Memorable Quotes

• “When you know what you don’t want, you know what you do want.”

• “You can’t change what you’re not aware of.”

• “We don’t keep repeating behaviors unless, on some level, we’re getting something out of them.”

If you recognize yourself in these patterns, choose one small area of your life this week to observe with curiosity, not judgment. Start by simply noticing when the pattern shows up, and write down what you were feeling, needing, or trying to avoid in that moment.