Loving someone can be risky business, so it’s natural that fear is present in relationships. But when fear operates in our lives in a way that hurts us or hurts others, it becomes a problem when it involves aggression or withdrawal. Recognizing these fears and how they may affect our lives can help us make the necessary changes to get the love we want.

1. Fear of losing freedom. Tied down, trapped, cornered, stuck—this “claustrophobia” points to mistaken beliefs about what relationships are supposed to be. The ability to say No lovingly and respectfully and set clear and fair boundaries is an essential ingredient of a healthy relationship.
2. Fear of conflict. Let’s face it—love can be messy. But it doesn’t have to be destructive. Constructive communication skills can be learned, and when handled with caring and respectful communication, conflicts can become vital building blocks of deeper trust and intimacy.
3. Fear of change. Change means work, discomfort, and uncertainty. But oh, the rewards of growth and depth and renewal! As author Bruce Barton wrote, “When you are through changing, you are through.” Try being curious about the changes in you, your partner, and your relationship.
4. Fear of giving up or losing control. We don’t have to surrender personal power in a healthy relationship. In fact, in a healthy relationship, both partners feel equal while each maintains their uniqueness. If it is a choice between being in control and experiencing true love, which will you choose?
5. Fear of pain. It is not love that creates pain, but our attachments and expectations about what love and relationships, and the behavior of those we love, are supposed to look like. Ultimately, we must decide whether we trust fear or trust love—which of those are we going to “feed?”
6. Fear of being “found out.” When we hide our true self from those we love, we’re usually afraid that our true self is unlovable. The fear of being found out is the fear of being fully known. However, when we accept that no one is “perfect,” we can open to the marvelous adventure of being deeply known by another and genuinely getting to know our beloved.
7. Fear of losing self. Often this comes from watching others (parent, friend, relative) suppress their individuality in a relationship. The generous giving of oneself —our time, attention, caring, and skills—is vital to the success of a relationship, but equally important is to receive from your loved one what they wish to give you. Giving up your needs for your partner is not a loving act, for it means there is less of you present in the relationship.
8. Fear of not being enough. When we fear our inadequacy, we often expect perfection in our partners. So we use this expectation as a defense against those feelings of inadequacy. We have the choice of taking the risk to love and be loved, or be alone, feeling separate, with our story of inadequacy. Try changing that story to the true one: you are a unique, magnificent, and lovable being.
9. Fear of rejection. To avoid being rejected, we may push other people away, test their love, or abandon them before we get left, thereby making our beliefs a reality. Or, to avoid being rejected, we may become pleasers, taking our authentic needs and desires out of the equation. Either way, we are not fully committed to being authentically present in the relationship.
10. Fear of dependency. Some people worry about losing the ability to take care of themselves, and others worry about being responsible for their loved ones. Unfortunately, neither option creates a fulfilling relationship. To avoid those situations and create a healthy interdependency, stay aware of the boundaries between you and your loved one, and remember that, while you are supportive of each other, you are each responsible for your feelings and well-being.